So Cabaret has been a whirlwind. I figured I should sit down and put it into words (and someone actually did ask me to update my blog, too, so there’s that).

I auditioned for the show during the last weekend of A Chorus Line – sang 16 bars, read from the script…No dance audition, as the choreographer was unexpectedly called out of town. I went back for a (crazy hard) Fosse-inspired dance audition the day after A Chorus Line closed and was cast the next day.

Not much down time between shows. And the rehearsal schedule was pretty intense for a short time because we had just under two months to get Cabaret ready. Between dance and blocking rehearsals, it was four or five days a week for me – all weekdays – for a very long month or so. It was like tech because of the intensity – but with no break after you made it through each week. I still have a day job!

At the beginning, we were very precisely blocked, so I didn’t get to explore much more about Sally than I’d learned by dutifully doing my actor homework (action/objective and whatnot). But after we got freedom to move and discover, I really started discovering who Sally was. How she leads with her hands because she takes what she wants. And how much she was me.

Maybe This Time – rehearsal

Between the director’s guidance and working with an absolutely fantastic scene partner (thank you, Paul, for being fearless and committed to being Cliff), things really started falling into place quickly. We worked through Act II, and I went home feeling satisfied that I got to seriously work as an actor…but there was this strange melancholy I could not shake. A day or two later, it hit me: Sally Bowles had followed me home, like a ghost!

The intensity of working through the last scene with Paul was apparently stronger than I realized. We’d run it several times and truly picked it apart, and a tiny piece of it stayed imprinted on my subconscious. I’d be unbelievably exhausted (and rather sad) after running that scene.

Sally ghost eyes

I’d heard of this happening to other actors, but I did not ever expect it to happen to me. Suddenly, I understood why people referred to Sally Bowles as “the Hamlet of women’s musical theatre roles.” The arc of the character is tremendous but does not end happily. I knew I needed a ritual to address this sliver of darkness that hung over me, but I couldn’t find anyone else who had experienced this. I suspect this is part of doing Cabaret…It’s the show itself.

So I ended up making my own Ayurvedic-inspired ritual: I scrubbed off the “Sally” with a scrub mitt (not toward the heart like in Ayurveda, but to my hands and feet) and then dusted it off my hands and feet. I’d have jasmine essential oil around too. At some point while exorcising Sally, I mused, “This is really bizarre…Wait a minute…actors are bizarre. Who cares?”

Our first stumble-through of Act 2 took me by surprise: When you run Act 2 in order, with the apartment mini-fight scene into “I Don’t Care Much”, makeout/screaming scene, “Cabaret”, and then that last scene with Cliff, it is an adreneline rush. I was visibly shaking after the makeout/screaming scene into “Cabaret” and was able to use that the rest of the show. It was invigorating and powerful and heady. The show is incredibly constructed; it helps you get where you need to go. (Our delightful Emcee described how he uses Fraulein Schneider’s song to get to where he has to be for “I Don’t Care Much” – so it’s not just Sally who gets to benefit from the fast pacing and intensity of Act II. Thank you Kander/Ebb/Masteroff for the brilliant construction of Cabaret.)

By this time, my Cliff had realized his magical actor power too – we’d become quite the team. It is such a blessing to have a scene partner who you can completely trust and just “go there” with as an actor. I am so lucky – I don’t think I’d be able to be Sally to the extent I am without sharing the stage with him. It makes all the difference. (To those who don’t know: Not all scene partners commit 100% to the scenes and their character.)

“I’ve dozens of offers.” Oh really?

This sums up our Sally/Cliff relationship.

Sally is happy about money.

As time went on, the rehearsal schedule waned a bit and I could breathe and recover. Repetition helped too, so it wasn’t as intense, and by tech week I’d not needed the ritual and could shake off Sally fairly easily. I think having the costumes helped too. As we reached tech week, the show kept improving and getting more intense. I made the director and folks in the pit(!) cry during “Maybe This Time” the Sunday of tech, so that made me really happy. I had friends who’d told me they’d had to walk away during “Cabaret” because it was so emotional. Yes! I was doing something right!

Color photos of Cliff and Sally courtesy of M.Butler Photography.

“Maybe this time/I’ll be lucky.”

“Maybe this time I’ll win!”